Shooting Star

It was one of those nights when one could only sit and feel the silence surrounding him. The sky was clear, the stars were all shining brightly and a light breeze lifted the leaves of the trees ever so slightly. Remnants of Christmas and New Year littered around the house and its surroundings - Christmas lights, Christmas lanterns, and the faint smell of burnt firecrackers that were used just the other day.

Whilst everyone else were inside the house, some enjoying a game of Spin the Bottle (of all things to play - to think you are college students already), some passing around shots of Emperador and another having heart to heart talks, you sat in the veranda, looking up the stars and enjoying the night. A half-full bottle of San Mig Light sat beside you on a table, and beside it your cellphone and the Discman you just turned off. You usually don’t drink, but there are times you like drink a bottle or two.

You heard a burst of laughter inside and smiled. The long planned and long delayed outing finally pushed through. After a long day of traveling, eating, hanging out at the beach (at this kind of weather too) and driving around the town, you all decided to just stay at the house that night to talk and perhaps, drink. No, not perhaps. It was in the original plan to drink - and drink you did. Everyone seems to be enjoying, and even if you’re not one of the people who planned this excursion, you are glad everyone seems to be having fun. It’s hard to have fun when there is someone who’s not in the mood.

And at least you and Paul were somewhat okay already. It would be hard to act normal and be the least bit happy during the outing if you didn’t clear things up between the two of you. Thanks to Paul’s friend of course. He doesn’t know it, of course…or maybe he does, you don’t know.

It was weird. There was a period of time when you wanted to talk to Paul so bad about your somewhat nonexistent seemingly more-than-friends-relationship-gone-wrong, but you didn’t get to. You weren’t scared of what you would know then, you just wanted closure. However, you talked to his best friend instead, and you found out what you wanted to know. It wasn’t exactly what you wanted to hear, but it was an answer to your question.

Hey, at least you’re getting to what you wanted in the first place since that summer day: to get this over with and to move on. You’re not there yet, but you’re getting there.

Another burst of laughter came from the people who were passing shots of Emperador, who were now joined by some of the people who were playing Spin the Bottle earlier. As you take a swig of beer, you heard the door open and the person you saw almost made you choke.

It was Paul.

He wasn’t your type, really. He was more of a person you wouldn’t notice much in school unless he greeted you outright. He’s not the kind of person who you thought would be a part of your circle of close friends. You thought he was a nice acquaintance, and would remain an acquaintance. He was that kind of person to you, but somehow, he made an impact to you. And that impact lasted for ten months - those months were sometimes happy, sometimes sad, oftentimes confusing. Because of that, whatever friendship the two of you had suffered. You don’t know if he noticed it; perhaps he did, perhaps he didn’t. Whatever it is, he’s one of the people you want and yet hate to be with in the same room.

He glanced at you and you swallowed the beer left in your mouth and smiled as normally as you can. He smiled back and sat on the other side of the table. You tried to compose yourself and mentally commanded yourself to act normal. You’re always the one who commit blunders in times like this, and you’re determined not to make that moment be counted as one of those.

“Uy,” he said. “Ano ginagawa mo dito sa labas?”

“Wala lang,” you answered. You hesitated a bit before adding the next statement, “Nagpapakasenti kuno.”

He was probably too busy lighting his cigarette to process your answer. You detest smoking and one of your standards in picking a guy is that he should not smoke. You wonder for the nth time why you fell for this guy.

Well, at least he’s not a chain smoker.

“Ikaw?” you said, trying to bring back the conversation. “Ba’t ka lumabas? Di ka ba kasama sa Fundador people?”

“Emperador yun. Saka ayoko muna uminom nun, wala pa ko sa mood.” He said, blowing out a puff of smoke. You wrinkle your nose slightly and took another drink of beer. He glances at you and says, “Umiinom ka na rin?”

“Hindi ba obvious?” you said kind of sarcastically. It was your trademark way of speaking - you can do it in a way that sounds sarcastic, but not really insulting.

“Diba hindi ka umiinom?”

“Dati yun. Napainom ako nung gumagawa kami ng project, pampagising daw. Wa epek na kasi sakin ang kape.” You said, chuckling, but feeling a bit foolish for explaining so much. “Pero di naman ako naglalasing ano.” Jeez, that was even more embarrassing.

“Ah, okay.” He said and then took a drag from the cigarette again. The two of you fell silent and the only sounds that invaded that silence were the voices of the people inside and an occasional burst of a firecracker.

You wanted to talk to him, talk about something, anything. You’re starting to get used to staying silent with other friends - the “comfortable silence” as you like to call it - but right now there’s nothing more you want than to be able to talk to him, now that the moment’s here. Carpe diem.

His cigarette slowly burned while you sipped your beer. The silence stretched on for a while and when you finally felt like breaking the silence, he spoke up.

“May tanong ako. Manhid ba ako?”

Your breath got caught in your throat and you’re sure your heart skipped a beat. Not over a month ago, before you have talked to Paul’s friend, a friend of yours dropped a big hint to Paul about you. You and your other friends laughed about it, but you feel thrilled and a bit afraid knowing that he knows he’s being oblivious to you.

That is, before things got a bit blown out of proportion.

“Ano?” you ask, feigning innocence.

“Manhid ba ako? Alam mo naman siguro yun…”

You paused. Then you said, “Bakit, ano ba alam mo?”

He glanced at you and then stubbed his cigarette on the ashtray. “Alam ko?”

You looked at him and tried to read his expression. However, like most guys of his kind, it was hard. So you decided to risk it, and said, “Manhid ka pala talaga eh.”

His eyes met yours and you saw a faint glimmer of a smile. He lit another cigarette. You went on. “Malamang naman may alam ka na diba?”

“Anong alam ko?”

You sighed. “Ano ba. Alam ko hindi ako tanga. At siguro naman hindi ka rin tanga diba? More or less you’ve talked to your best friend about it. And I know you’ve talked to Jho already. Drop the covers already, and let’s get everything straight.”

He puffed out some smoke and then threw the cigarette away. He stood up, stood in front of you and crossed his arms. “O sige, ano gusto mo pag-usapan?”

You stood up and walked to the other side of the veranda. For some reason you were shaking. It wasn’t a cold night, but you could feel your hands shaking so hard and you didn’t want to speak because you know your voice would shake. You looked up in the sky, and saw a shooting star streak across the sky. You made a silent wish that this conversation would turn out okay. You crossed your arms to stop your hands from shaking and then faced Paul. He was looking at you, patiently waiting for you to speak.

You opened your mouth to say something and then shut it again. For some reason, all the things you wanted to say flew out of your mind. You must’ve looked silly then, standing there facing him, your mouth opening and closing. Finally, you gave a frustrated sigh.

“God, I don’t know how to start.”

“Just how long have you kept this?” he asked. “Ganun ka ba ka-fixated sakin kaya hindi ka na makaumpisa? Akala ko ba madaldal ka?”

You had to laugh at what he said. “Hoy, hindi naman ako fixated sayo noh.” You paused. “Medyo lang.”

He chuckled. At least the tension was broken.

“Alam mo, Paul,” you said. “May tiwala naman ako sa kaibigan mo eh. Sa totoo lang hindi na kita kailangan kausapin tungkol dun…sa alam mo na. Pero dahil nandito na tayo…e di eto na.”

A burst of laughter came from inside the house again, but it didn’t faze you much. At least they weren’t taking notice of the two of you being gone.

“O ano?” he said.

“Ano pakiramdam mo nung nalaman mo na?” you asked, figuring it was a safe question.

“Na gusto mo ko?” You cringed a bit at what he said. It sounded so cheesy. And you hate cheesiness. “Ewan. Wala. Nagulat ako nung hiniritan ako na manhid, kasi hindi ko naman talaga alam. Pero nung humirit na pati yung iba mong barkada, iba na yun noh.”

“Obvious ba?” you ask.

“Hindi naman.”

You sigh with relief. Then you felt embarrassed. “Haha…sorry. Naisip ko lang kasi kung obvious ako ngayon, pano na pag sa iba…e di alam na nila agad.”

He just shook his head and smiled. The two of you fell silent again and this time the silence felt better. Then you turned to him and asked, “Well…what was that question you wanted to ask me before? Nung Valentine’s day?”

“Ano yun?”

“Yung tinext mo sakin.”

“Ah…yun?” He laughed. “Hindi ko na maalala eh.”

“Ah, okay.” You said, feeling a little bit disappointed. You were still somewhat hoping there was something. But you decided to dismiss that thought - you will not be back to square one again.

You sighed. “I guess I sort of expected again. Timing mo naman kasi, mali. Ang sarap mo sisihin, pero may kasalanan din ako. Hindi naman sa sinisisi kita ngayon…noon, medyo. Basta, wrong timing kasi…ah ewan. Pati ako naguluhan bigla.” You looked at him sheepishly.

“Alam mo,” he said after a while. “Dadating din yun para sayo.”

“Alam ko. Alam ko naman talaga yun eh. Siguro napamadali lang ako. Akala ko rin kasi siguro, ikaw na yun.” You blushed. “Shet, ang cheesy. Sorry.”

He actually laughed. You didn’t know why, but at least he didn’t think you were an idiot. After all, you still do kind of like him. In a way.

“O, ako naman may tanong,” he said. “Musta na yung village friends mo?” He had a mischievous glint in his eyes.

You laughed. “FYI: Ang barkada ko lang sa village puro babae, at minsan nalang kami magkita. May lalaki kaming kaibigan, pero far as I know, walang nagkagusto sa akin. Siguro naman na-figure out mo na na hindi talaga sa village yun.”

“Oo naman,” he said. “Ba’t naman kasi nag-imbento ka pa?”

“Self defense,” you said. “I just had to tell you something then, kasi you asked. Hindi ko naman makwento yung luma kasi wa-epek na sakin yun. You want me to actually tell you then that the reason I was suddenly depressed was because of you, and that you liked my friend and that my friend liked you and I didn’t know where I stood? No way.”

“Ah, ako ba yun?” You didn’t know if he was kidding or not.

“Hey Paul,” you said after a while. “Sorry pala if I acted weird around you, ha? Naging weird tuloy trato ko sayo. Sayang yung friendship…sorry talaga.”

“Wala yun,” he said, leaning back on the railing. “Tsaka hindi naman nasayang yung friendship eh.” You smiled.

“Basta…if ever I seem to act weird again…it’s because I don’t know how to talk to you at times…tipong nahihiya ako na ewan. Pasensya na..ka-weirdo-han ko nalang talaga yun.”

“Babae rin talaga o. Wala yun. Basta, kilala mo naman ako diba? Pag hindi ka namansin, hindi rin kita papansinin after. Tandaan mo na lang yun.”

“You think I don’t remember that? Haha…alala ko tuloy nung summer…sobrang na-praning ako nun. Kababawan ko ever.”

“Ba’t nga ba biglang hindi ka namansin nun?” he asked. “Hindi mo alam?” you said. “Alala mo yung tinext ko after nung nanood tayo ng sine nung summer? Yung working with someone you are trying to get over with? Naisip ko nun ang tanga tanga ko kasi bakit pa kita tinext…hindi naman na kailangan. Nagfi-fish lang ako nun. Sorry…gawain ko na yun minsan.”

“Ah…kaya pala.” He said.

“Kaya nung nagkita tayo after, hiyang hiya ako sayo,” you said meekly.

“Wow, masyado mo na ko itinataas. Wag naman.”

You’re amazed at how serious he is right now as the two of you are talking. The very thing you were afraid of before when you wanted to talk to him was that he won’t take you seriously, or that he would crack jokes all the way until you lost your nerve and just decide not to talk about it. It was then you realized that he’s really a good guy - even if he caused your heartaches for the past ten months. The girl who wrote a Friendster testimonial for him was right: whoever that girl he’s going to be with for the rest of his life, she sure is lucky.

“You know what?” you said, picking up your beer bottle. “Natutuwa ako kasi may mga lalaki pa pala sa mundong ito na kagaya mo.”

“Ganon,” he said. “Itinaas mo na naman ako.” But he smiled at what you said.

“Seryoso. Basta.” You said, finishing up your beer. “Thanks ha.”

“Thanks din,” he said.

Surprisingly, you didn’t feel like asking the other questions you wanted to ask before. It suddenly seemed pointless, and you don’t feel like asking about it anymore. In fact, you’re pretty satisfied just standing there, and having this talk with him. Suddenly, it felt like you were back to the week you first met him - back when things are normal between the two of you. A few months ago, you were thinking that you might not get what was left in your friendship back, but right now, you’re willing to start over. And you’re actually looking forward to be his friend…and this time, you’re okay with that.

You picked up your cellphone and realize that it’s already midnight. Being the human calendar that you are, you realize that it’s been eleven months since the two of you had known each other. You just had to marvel at the timing of the things.

“Paul,” you said. “Alam mo ba kung anong date ngayon?”

“Ano?” he asked. He just lit his third cigarette.

“Eleven months na since nagkakilala tayo…alala mo yun?”

“O?” he chuckled. “Iba ka talaga. Pati ba yun naaalala mo?”

“Human calendar to, tsong,” you said, laughing. You started picking up your things.

“Ano, dito ka na ba muna? Pasok na ko.”

“Teka, sama na ako.” He threw his cigarette away and then the two of you walked together to the door.

“Ano, shot ka ba?” he asked.

“Ewan ko…bahala na,” you said. “Isa lang siguro…haha. Baka bigla ako bumagsak nyan e.”

“Hina mo naman,” he said teasingly. He opened the door for you and you went in. As the two of you joined the Emperador people, you felt his hand on your shoulder, and for the first time since eleven months, it felt normal.

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