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Last night, I went to my high school friend’s younger sister’s funeral. Yes, funeral. She died at 20 because of cancer, a few months after graduating from college. I heard about it last week, but I was a bit busy, and to be honest, I sort of didn’t want to go. It’s not that I am afraid of funerals or of dead people (I can safely say that I’m one of the people who’s not afraid to look into the coffin), but because of the fact that I’m afraid to see someone so young yet dead. :(
But anyway, I ended up going yesterday with some high school friends. My mind was running a mile a minute because of all the things happening in my life, and I was also talking so much, trying to keep certain emotions at bay and not wanting to think of how I would react when I finally see our friend who lost his sister. A little while later, we entered the place to pay our respects, and the moment I saw her coffin, lined with her photos and flowers and finally, when I peeked to see her, I couldn’t help but cry. I hardly knew her, and I was only close to her brother during freshmen year…but seeing her — so young, so accomplished, someone who had a very bright future ahead of her — inside a wooden box, dead because of a very unforgiving disease…it’s just surreal.
It was like I was staring at my own mortality. Back then, I only hear of cancer from people who are aging, from people on TV. It wasn’t a possibility for me or any of my friends before — we’re too young and the world’s so big and there’s so many things to do for us to suffer from a disease like that. But seeing someone even younger than me pass away, not even getting to experience how it is to be outside of school…to imagine someone like her going through chemotherapy treatments…it doesn’t feel right. It’s so unfair.
Cliche as this may sound, but being at the funeral last night made me realize yet again how fragile life really is. I’ve always believed that when it’s your time to go, it is your time to go, but it never hit me smack in the face as it did last night. It made me think of how I — or anyone of my loved ones — could just go anytime. How one person could be there at one moment and gone the next. How God can just take anyone of me away when He says its my time to go.
That made me wonder — what am I doing? Is everything I am doing even important? At the end of it all, would what I am doing right now even count? When it’s my time, will what I am doing right now be even worth it? All these things that are bothering me, are they even supposed to matter? What am I living for? Am I living for the world, for now, or am I living in the light of eternity?
So many questions and so many thoughts that, interestingly, gave me a fresh perspective of everything that’s bothering me in my life right now. I keep on complaining on what I am going through right now when what I’m complaining about is just a small thing — even smaller than the usual furniture catalog! Why am I even wasting my time and energy on things that are so petty, when I could use that time to be a better and more loving person? Why am I worrying over something so small, when there are so many more people worrying about things even I can’t grasp?
I guess if there’s something that could really silence people, it would be death, just like what it did to me last night. I can’t say I’m not afraid of death, but being in its presence last night made me remember that life is short compared to eternity, and I must remember where I am, where I am from, where my real home is. Most importantly, I must remember whose I am and what I am living for. Because really, at the end of it all, it’s going to be between me and God.
Some of my friends have been doing this, and I thought I’d do it too to bring some interactivity into this blog. Let’s see if some people would actually answer. :P
Today’s question is insipired by this PostSecret image:
In case you can’t see it, the card says: If I could make this last forever, I would.
So, the question is: If there’s one thing you’d want to last forever, what would it be?
Yes, I am throwing deep questions on the first time I’m doing this. :P But hey, it’s a valid question. :)
My answer: The easiest answer would probably be I’d wish for all the happy moments to last forever — those days when everthing seemed perfect, like the Switchfoot day, or when I get free Hilton Head rentals. But as much as I’d like those to last forever, I guess I wouldn’t too because it would lose its novelty. So maybe…one of the things I’d really like to last forever (but I haven’t experienced in the longest time :( ) is the peace I get after I pray. The refreshed feeling, the one where I feel that whatever happens during the day, be it good or bad, I know that I can conquer it because God’s with me. I know God’s with me still, but I’ve been having a hard time staying “connected”, and if it weren’t for the daily mass the past weeks, I would’ve probably been totally disconnected. I’m still working on this one, and I hope I can finally find a way to be back in tune, because I really, really miss it.
How about you? What would you want to last forever?
It’s been exactly two years since I wrote this entry, which has been one of my most read/viewed posts to date. I’ve received lots of comments on that entry, all of which are inspiring and touched me at one point or another, from people I know to strangers who just found my entry online (which is on the third position when you search for singlehood in Google :P).
So now, two years later…how am I? More importantly, how’s my heart?
Yes, that’s everyone’s favorite question. :>
But seriously now. Here’s me, two years after the entry:
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Yes I’m stressed.
The moment I woke up today, I knew I wasn’t in my normal chipper mood. I have been feeling quite lethargic since yesterday and today was just…blah. The only thought that is running through my head is, “I’m so tired.” And believe me, as many things that I do and deal with, I hardly ever say that I am tired. I actually thrive on being busy, because it keeps things so interesting.
But this week has felt like such a chore. There are two ways for me to deal with stress. The ideal way is to be focused and keep moving forward, finishing all the things I have to do in the best time possible. Then there’s the other way, where I squirm out of commitments, where I try to ignore my responsibilities and just try to get away from everything. Thankfully, I’ve been doing the former, but lately it’s been so tempting to do the latter — I just want to disappear and then go back when everything’s over. Preferably done by someone else.
Hay.
So anyway, I was browsing around a new website I discovered through Sarah, The Boundless Webzine. It’s kind of like Lifeteen, only it caters to people in the college and post-college people. Ah, it’s kind of like Bustedhalo. :D There you go. Anyway, so I was browsing it earlier while eating breakfast in my workstation, and I was looking for articles about faith, about being weary just to refresh myself in some way and I came across an article called Venting and Losing. I read it, and right from the start I knew it was for me. :)) Here’s some parts:
I’ve always been a glass-half-full kind of girl. My friends will tell you I’m quick to look for the bright side of most situations. I’m not a complainer. At least that’s what I like to think.
A couple weeks ago, I found myself in a depressing cycle. It started with my dissatisfaction with a certain relationship. The person was failing to meet my expectations, which disappointed me. That disappointment led to anger, which led to grumpiness.
Feeling the need to “process,” I vented my frustration to my exercise buddy. Although she tried to console me, my venting caused my self-righteousness to rise and made me even grumpier.
Over the next few days, I stewed over the situation and “vented” to several other people. As I griped about my unfair situation, I found myself not only being frustrated with the initial relationship but being critical of others as well. Soon it seemed as if everyone was letting me down.
My dissatisfaction grew until I reached a breaking point. Tearfully, I took it out on a friend who happened to call at the wrong moment. When I hung up the phone, I realized something had gone terribly wrong. Instead of helping my situation, venting had blown it out of proportion…
…My complaints, on the other hand, are trivial: Perceived mistreatment by another person. Less than ideal circumstances in my personal life. Not getting things I believe I deserve. OK, so I may not be wandering in the desert, but these things can still seem unfair…
…Our world is marked by complaint. Complaint against our government. Complaint against the educational system. Complaint against those who bring us food, bag our groceries, let their cell phones go off during movies. Our freedom of speech is the freedom to complain. And we take that freedom very seriously.
A person who doesn’t criticize something is a novelty. He makes you wonder why he’s satisfied. As believers, we have a compelling reason to not complain. We have been shown undeserved grace and given unfathomable riches through Jesus Christ. In light of this, complaining about anything seems — well, silly.
I say I trust an all-powerful, good, loving God, but when that trust is put to the test through less-than-ideal circumstances, I often fail. Instead of acknowledging that God controls the details of my life, I moan and groan about how unacceptable they are. A life where grumbling is absent, however, speaks volumes about a person’s trust in God.
[Read entire article here]
Ouch! How about that. But thank You, Lord. You always know where to hit me.
I’m still tired, yes, and I still feel stressed and somehow I feel like I’m going to spontaneously combust (thanks Yam for the term) anytime…but I’m going to do my best to follow Philippians 2:14-15 : “Do everything without complaining or arguing, so that you may become blameless and pure, children of God without fault in a crooked and depraved generation, in which you shine like stars in the universe.”
By God’s grace, God and I will go through this. :) One of my favorite Bible verses back in high school, during my stressful times was: “I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:12-13). This is even better than any venting session or the best diet pill or even the new Starbucks Dark Mocha Frappuccino (which I really, really love). I will hold onto this, and to the promise that God is with me every step of the way. :) Great adventure!
Are you stressed? :)
I now remember another thing that I am reminded of during rainy afternoons, especially in May. Youth camps.
Summers used to be filled with YFC activities. I remember back in summer before fourth year high school, the moment I got back from the International Leader’s Conference in Cebu (ah the memories!), we were already starting to plan for the youth camp for the summer. There were lots of meetings going on, with venues to visit and dates to pick and participants to recruit. I was hardly home during the week because of meetings and fellowships — sometimes it feels like my YFC friends and I live in a single class A motorhome as we were always together. Every. Single. Day.
Fun times.
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